Collab #1: Discomfort, Synthesis, and Healing
Two Recovered Tarot Readers on the Magic of Three
Hi, dear Tarot friends! I am absolutely delighted to be sharing this creative space today with my friend, de facto sponsor, and fellow Tarot witch baddie,
(aka The Mystic Autistic). Today we’re talking about Tarot cards associated with the number three, which came up for both of us during an initial planning convo about this post.I am not a medical professional, licensed counselor, or addiction specialist. I am simply someone who has found that Tarot cards help me with recovery.
This post contains references to alcohol and cannabis use.
What Does Three Mean to Us?
LEAH: My own family of origin consisted of 3 people who were very unhappy together, so 3 has never been a particularly comfortable number for me. It's meant manipulative triangulation in so many cases. I'm willing to sit with the idea that the discomfort is something I'm meant to work through in this lifetime.
MARGARET: For me, the number three is about seeking retreat in the face of conflict, especially in the form of joining a church (holy trinity, anyone?). Throughout my struggles with alcohol and, several years into my unhealthy behavior, cannabis, three has functioned as a metaphor for escapism, unhealthy communities, and partying. All it took was two friends coming over late, any night of the week, and hopefully they brought a case of PBR. What a trio we made!
Until recently, I didn’t know that three could also be a healing number. Working with the Tarot as a vessel for self-reflection, I now respect every card as delightfully multifarious. Each image, each number, each card name, each keyword, contains multitudes. Three is the support of two strong adults carrying home a blacked out me, unable to walk, having totally messed up, and still being worthy of help. Three is two close friends and I devising a plan to hold space for a gentle intervention for another friend in dire straits. Three is gentle majority rule when drastic measures are needed.
Which “Three” Cards Are Our Favorites?
We both chose a favorite Three of Swords, Wands, Pentacles, and Cups. Each card comes from a different deck.
Let's start with the most difficult one first: the 3 of Swords from the Ostara Tarot.
LEAH: This card reminds me of a minor incident in my life that happened over a decade ago.
It was long before I even thought about getting sober, and I was on a first/last date with a man who had to blow into a breathalyzer to start his car. He seemed nice enough, but obviously raw from, as he put it, blowing up his life with booze and drugs.
Over dinner, we talked about music. I don't remember why, but he brought up the song "3 is a Magic Number."
I vaguely remembered it from SchoolHouse Rock, but I didn't know Blind Melon had covered it. I was ready to move on to another topic, but he was fixated.
"3 IS a magic number! I found out how true that was… I would sing that song to my wife and my son back before I ruined everything. It's such a good song, and it's so true. 3 is definitely a magic number." His intensity turned somber and I felt bad for him. I ordered another glass of champagne to take the edge off my discomfort.
I never saw him again. I truly hope things got better for him.
Margaret’s favorite Three of Swords comes from Chris-Anne’s Light Seer’s Tarot.
MARGARET: I tried to quit drinking a handful of times before it finally “took.” There was a period of a few months in 2009 that I was dating an alcoholic. I took on his addiction as my own problem, and while going to Al Anon meetings gave me something to do, the atmosphere was regimented, which fed my rational brain in unhealthy ways. I soon realized not only that my boyfriend at the time was addicted to alcohol, but now I was addicted to Al Anon. I bought all of the books, I thought and talked about Al Anon constantly. Sadly, in losing myself to the “program,” I did absolutely zilch to help me. (If you are reading this and have had a positive experience with Al Anon, that’s great! I recognize that not all groups are created equal.)
Then there was my 2017 car wreck, the horrendous result of a night of binge drinking gin and tonics. I swore off drinking altogether for maybe a couple of months.
Thanksgiving, 2023, I “cross-faded” (drank alcohol and smoked weed) myself into utter oblivion. I still don’t remember being driven the hour and a half home. I didn’t try to quit then, because I thought I could handle cutting back.
I had my last drink on May 6, 2024, the day of my graduation from library school. It seemed fitting to end my drinking on a high note, I guess? I had two glasses of wine, didn’t black out, didn’t say anything I would later regret. I finally realized that you don’t have to hit rock bottom to quit an unhealthy behavior. All of the “small despairs” of being slightly hungover or only a little too cross-faded had brought me to a collective breaking point.
I love Chris-Anne’s 3 of Swords, because she is personified. Despair is a deeply human emotional experience that fully warrants human representation. Who among us can honestly say they can’t relate to screaming into the void?
Next, Leah chose the 3 of Wands from the Tarot of the Divine.
LEAH: In this deck, each card is associated with a myth or fairy tale. The 3 of Wands is coupled with a Romanian Fairy Tale called The Enchanted Pig, and here we see the youngest of three princesses ascending a ladder made of chicken bones (given to her by the sun, the moon, and the wind). Her ladder was not quite tall enough to reach the castle in the sky, so she cut off her own pinky finger to fashion the final rung.
Maybe it's because I feel most connected to the suit of Wands, or perhaps it's because I love the aesthetic of this card, but I see myself in the desperate princess willing to chop off part of her body to get what she wants (or maybe what she thinks she wants?).
When I was 15, I started using intoxicating substances to ease the pain and overwhelm of life. I didn't know I was autistic back then, and I wouldn't find out for another 35 years.
Now I'm 52, and I've finally gone fully sober (not just "California sober," as I had been for a couple of years).
Will I finally reach that castle in the sky? I don't know.
But I know that getting "there" (wherever "there" is) feels a lot less urgent now.
Margaret’s favorite is the 3 of Wands from This Might Hurt.
MARGARET: The thing about being a stoner is, you’re gonna find yourself doing a whole lot of sitting and just being. I didn’t start using cannabis habitually until Spring 2020 (gee, I wonder why this was the moment). Somewhere along the line I started conflating my nightly ritual of eating a bite of an edible and/or rolling a joint with being fully present. I experienced colors and sounds more viscerally; that had to count for something, right?
I told myself that the stillness, the ease with which my mind wandered to deep thoughts, was clarity. I have lots of friends who are “California sober” who genuinely believe that being stoned frequently--in some cases all day--isn’t a problem, so long as you’ve quit drinking. That’s the real addiction, they tell me.
It finally hit me, on March 23 of this year, that being stoned is not, in fact, a form of clarity. I decided to quit using all forms of cannabis as of that day, and now I find that, while the still moments of facing actually doing something or continuing to be still feeling daunting, at least they feel like something. I am eternally grateful for my discomfort with stillness. That’s how I know I’m alive.
Leah’s favorite is the 3 of Pentacles from the Every Little Thing You Do is Magic Tarot.
LEAH: Busy bees, bringing the coins (or pentacles) back to the hive. This card is about practical work, done in collaboration with like-minded people, for self-development and the good of the collective.
Community has always been tricky for me. As an undiagnosed autistic girl/woman, any sort of "fitting in" has required a good deal of masking. I'm coming to realize that, in a lot of ways, that's what my reliance on booze and weed was for me - a method of masking. I'm hopeful now that I may find true community in the future. I think this collaboration is a good start.
Margaret really likes the 3 of Pentacles from the Divine Feminine Tarot.
MARGARET: In my 20s and 30s, my social life revolved entirely around getting fucked up. It didn’t matter what time of day it was, or whether it was a weekend or weeknight. If someone called or texted me at midnight or noon or any time in between, as long as I wasn’t at work or on my way to work, I was down.
One valuable skill I developed during this time was resourcing whatever was needed to make a party happen. I became a master event planner. Once I’d picked a time and place, I started contacting invitees: text, MySpace (RIP), even opening my window and shouting down to friends walking by. I’d almost always ask people to bring something to drink, and sometimes there was a theme. I even booked bands last-minute to play in my apartment.
The distance of time has given me ample room to reflect on the ways that I continue to repurpose the behaviors of an addict into behaviors of a recovered person. In the Tarot, Pentacles are the emblem of tangible things. Cocorrina’s Divine Feminine 3 of Pentacles is a celebration of being resourced. I look forward to being continually amazed at my ability to problem solve and bring seemingly contrasting ideas together, even if my greatest development of this skill set occurred while I was in the throes of binge drinking and drug use.
Finally, Leah chose the 3 of Cups from the This Might Hurt Tarot.
LEAH: What a beautiful card! What a vibe! 3 women enjoying life and each other's company in a pumpkin patch. It's easy to get distracted from what's really important in life, isn't it?
A few years ago, I think I would have assumed these celebrants were drunk. That's what "having a good time" meant to me then.
I'm grateful that now I see something different, something more real and lasting than a drunken bash with acquaintances.
Now I see friends celebrating one another, rooted in themselves and their own well-being.
Margaret’s favorite is the 3 of Cups from the Wild Unknown.
MARGARET: I have always associated the Three of Cups with getting fucked up with friends. It’s the “good time” card, the “party animal” card.
In my 20s, I couldn’t be around other drinkers without picking up a glass/can/bottle/shot/mixed drink myself. I was the “cool girl” who could keep up with the boys. I could--and sometimes did--drink them under the table. I wasn’t worried about my liver as much as I was worried about ever looking like I couldn’t “hang.” I was a bartender, for god’s sake, so I didn’t have a choice. I had to keep up or risk falling behind.
There were endless rounds of post-shift Irish car bombs, Long Island iced teas, and something super potent and fruity-tasting that was simply known as “The Chad.”
When I started group therapy a couple of years ago, finding women my own age who were genuinely invested in their wellbeing was a godsend. Now when I pull this card, I think of my ladies and how supportive and kind they are. I love Kim Krans’ 3 of Cups card from her Wild Unknown deck. Birds are highly social creatures, and they are loyal to their families. They look out for one another, and they always make sure they have enough and are safe. Supportive and unconditional love is the real party.
Final Thoughts
LEAH: I’d like to thank my new friend Margaret for inviting me to collaborate on this project, and for having patience with me while my attention was turned elsewhere. I look forward to building our friendship.
MARGARET: Leah, my darling new friend, I am so grateful to the Universe for bringing our stories into alignment! You are with me every time I say no.
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This collaboration and reflection on the 3’s was brilliant! Thank you for sharing your personal experiences. ✨