Slow, steady, intentional.

Recovery isn't a race, and neither is creative expression.

Ace of Swords: I pass by this butterfly every day of the work week.

When I started this publication, my purpose was to release a nonfiction book, chapter by chapter (more like section by section), until I reached the end. I would then look back at your comments and questions and use that feedback to make adjustments to my final manuscript before querying an agent or finding a publisher.

I am not a medical professional, licensed counselor, or addiction specialist. I am simply someone who has found that Tarot cards help me with recovery.

This post contains references to addiction, compulsive behavior, childhood trauma, and abuse of a neighbor.

At this stage in my recovery, my original plans feel aspirational. I’m supposed to be the Page of Swords, a writer/warrior who has survived the many trials of the Ace through Ten of Swords, namely thought-spiraling and despair and defeat and denial, who is ready the complete their magnum opus.

So why do I feel like the Five of Pentacles, the broken child, wandering through a snowdrift, no end to this project in sight?

I think what my writing needs right now, what I need, is to get rid of deadlines and schedules. I’m still going to share my book on recovery, one section or chapter at a time, and I’ll stick to my original order, but I’m going to do so more flexibly. The pressure to share something every Friday that’s not just passable, but maybe even great, has become too much.

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The next section is about the 10 of Pentacles. I have a lot of thoughts about the connections between generational trauma and addiction. And generational trauma isn’t limited to experiences within one’s immediate family. Some of the most impactful generational traumas I survived growing up are related to witnessing child abuse of a next door neighbor, being intimidated by my friends’ parents, and generally not wanting adults I didn’t know to touch me (they did anyway, and frequently).

I didn’t consent to any of it. And I think a lot of my struggles with substance use and compulsive behaviors boil down to a deep-seated drive to escape the collective harm of all of these little traumas (note: child abuse is never a little trauma).

My personal big traumas like my car accident don’t affect me every day. Instead it’s a lifetime of feeling like I don’t belong. Most social norms not only don’t make sense to me, but also are deeply upsetting.

When I talk about family and the 10 of Pentacles, I’m going to do a deep dive into the women in my family, going as far back as I can. I’ll start with genealogical records and family stories, then I’ll sprinkle in some of what I call esoteric research methods to inspire new questions. Using astrology and Tarot birth cards, I’ll ask what overarching lesson or story the women in my family tell. I’ll ask them to be my guides as I continue my lifelong work to overcome addiction. I’ll show you how to use what you know about your family of origin (whether it be blood, place, or another relating factor) to open the door between worlds and ask for help with your own addictions.

May your weekend be filled with love and sobriety, and if you live in the United States, may your Memorial Day Weekend be a safe one.

Margaret Estelle